


Katya and The Space Barbie

by Squeakyshroom



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: AU, F/F, Lesbians in Space, Other, asshole!Needles, cis!Alaska, cis!katya, doll!trixie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-10-30 03:16:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10867923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squeakyshroom/pseuds/Squeakyshroom
Summary: Number one reason not to buy a sex doll from a sketchy, space shop— she might come to life.Katya finds this out the hard way.





	1. Chapter 1

The galaxy is infinite, and Katya’s horny.

Those two thoughts aren’t related, but they occur to her at the same time. The spaceship is lightly vibrating because Katya’s running low on fuel; the vibrations aren’t helping her growing state of arousal. In fact, it’s getting harder and harder to think. The safety straps around her waist and chest are tight, and the reminder of how she’s strapped down makes her squirm against the hard leather.

Katya’s sure she took a left turn at the milky way before hitting accelerate. Or…did she? The directions blur together, and her navigation system took a hit. _How am I going to make it back to Mother Ship now? Ask?!_

“Uh, this is Captain Zamo from Sputnik reporting in to Headquarters. I’m operating a craft without navigation. Do you copy? Over?”

“Yes, I copy. Are you lost, Captain Obvious? Over.”

Katya internally groans at the sarcastic drawl of Alaska’s voice. Great, if she wanted a tongue lashing, she’d have dialed up her mother. Now, she needs to ask for Alaska Thunder’s help. God, there had never been any other girl at Ru’s Space Academy who gave her shit like Alaska.

“I’m not lost, ‘Lasky, just not…spatially coordinated. Over.”

“That’s the _definition_ of lost. Over.”

“I’m lost when I say I’m lost, which I’m not. Lost that is. And aren’t we _all_  existentially lost in the scale of this never ending universe splattered with stars and sperm? Over.”

 _Silence_.

Katya sighs and presses the voice command: “I’m lost.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Captain. _Hmmm_ ….says here you’re approaching Planet Booberella. I’m sure you’ve been there before? Over.”

“Never,” Katya lies and then flushes as she realizes she forgot to say ‘over.’

_Wow, way to be obvious, Katya._

“Well, I’m sure there’s a, uh, first time for everything. Pull over for fuel and directions. Over.”

She types in the coordinates for Planet Booberella. It’s infamous for well…boobs and bombs. The women and men there are just as likely to blow you for a copper piece as they are to blow you to pieces for the wrong word.

Katya hesitates before pressing the intercom: “Bets on if I’ll get fucked or sold into space slavery? Over.”

“Bet you’ll meet an alien girl and fuck her over so bad she’ll sell herself. Conversation- OVER.”

Katya bites her lip.

Is Alaska still mad about that whole date thing? Probably. They’d ditched the food and went straight back to her Cube for ‘dessert.’ Katya remembers how she’d pushed Alaska onto her knees. God, Alaska looked so pretty, still in her spandex uniform, with her face buried between Katya’s thighs. They’d fucked on the bed and couch and table. Alaska had come apart so easily under her fingertips. While Katya hasn’t been back to her Cube in months, she bet that Alaska’s ripped up uniform is still there.

“Thanks for the help, Coordinator Thunder. Any chance for another dinner when I get back? I can’t cook, but I could microwave us some popcorn…think about it? Watch the Cult Classic Contact? Over.”

 _Silence_.

Well, losing friends and herself in space is kind of Katya’s specialty. Sputnik’s sput-sputtering down, and Katya’s not going to bother legally landing. She zooms down to one of the Black Market Pods to get herself situated in Tittington. Fuck, why is this whole planet a bad sex pun? It’s the biggest joke in the cosmos.

Katya jumps out, breasts bouncing in her shiny suit. It’s skin tight. Just the way that she likes it. All five of the mechanic’s eyes trail down to her chest as she slides him her platinum card.

“Oi, I’d be careful going out with ‘em bullets on yer chest,” he drawls.

“You want one less eye, huh?” Katya asks as she runs her hand down her thigh to grab her lazor gun and then presses it to his throat.

The mechanic puts his webbed hands up: “Peace, peace. I’ll be done refueling and patching up in an hour. Looks like the engine’s on its last leg.”

“Do a good job, and I’ll give you a tip,” she promises, and Katya regrets her words as soon as she turns. She can feel all five eyes against the curve of her ass. Katya leaves in a huff. Doesn’t anyone in this galaxy have a heart?

“Hearts! Hearts for sale! Buy three and get a kidney for free!” An old lady, porous skin covered in green ooze, wheezes up at Katya.

She flinches. Ugh, it’s like Miss. Fame used to say back at the Academy- ask and the universe will give.

Katya amuses herself by stopping by a hologram store and flipping through the intergalactic net. She gained six new followers on her travel blog. Then Katya goes next to the local, seedy sex shop.

It’s full of gadgets and gizmos that have been scattered all over and somehow filtered down here. The shopkeeper, a cute drag queen named Violet, winks at her when she enters. They’d met and fucked the first time she’d got here, and Katya had never been held down so tightly or fucked so thoroughly as she had with Violet. Katya leans against the counter-

“So what you got in stock, V?”

“Oh, possessed butt plugs, ancient dildos, and…I shouldn’t be showing you this but…” Violet bounces to the back and comes back with what looks like a Barbie Doll box. Katya’s spent enough years in her childhood watching reruns to recognize it. But what’s it doing in a place like this?

“I’ve heard of a lot of fetishes, doll…but never any involving _barbie_ dolls?”

Katya takes the package in her hands. This doll has big blonde hair up in a pigtail and a Judy Jetson hooker-like costume. What is even supposed to be? A flight attendant? Katya turns the box over and reads ’ _Here To Satisfy Your Wildest Fantasy- it’s Trixie! Your favorite sex Barbie proves that life in plastic IS really fantastic._ ’

“It’s small for travel convenience,“ Violet explains. “But press the button in the back, and it blows up. She’s got interchangeable parts for maximum pleasure- since Barbies don’t have any. I just got it in stock, so I don’t know what the reviews are.”

“So I’m like…your test rat?”

“Mm, more like a sexual experiment,” Violet says with a wink.

Katya is horny, but she’s never tried out a sex doll before. From what’s heard of online, they usually come with a remote control, but the Trixie doll doesn’t have any. 

Violet puts her hands on Katya’s: “What do you say? Buy it now, leave me a sweet review on Yelp, and I’ll give you 50% discount, Kat.”

Katya does like the novelty of getting a souvenir from Booberella. Maybe Alaska will get a laugh out of it too… _if_ she ever speaks to her again.

“You know what? I’ll take it." 

Katya pulls out a couple gold coins from her back pocket. She’s glad Booberella is part of the galactic union. It makes buying sex toys all the more convenient. Violet bites down to check that they’re not fools gold and then sends her off with a wink.

Katya’s pleased to see that five-eyed-creep has taken good care of her Sputnik. He leers at her and then the doll pressed up to her chest. _God, I’m horny but not blind._

She salutes the planet with a middle finger as she zooms off. 

Then she’s back on course for the Mother Ship. Katya sets the ships destination and leaves it for auto pilot. She’s still tightly strapped into her seat as she swivels her chair around to inspect the doll she bought. Katya gently runs her hands across the plastic casing. 

"Hello, there, Trixie,” she whispers. “Now, let’s see how you look outta the box.”

Katya tries to be neat, but she ends up tearing it open. Looks like a Barbie that she saw in the kiddie holograms. She never had one when she was little, so Katya takes a moment to run her hands through her soft, blonde hair. Skin’s tight and plastic. Katya flips up the white skirt, but it’s smooth- neither cunt nor cock to be seen. 

She undoes the velcro of the back of doll’s dress to find a switch. It’s OFF right now. Does she really want to do this? Maybe just to say that she tried it.

Katya slowly undoes her seat belt, sucks in her breathe, and presses ON. 

There’s a mechanical 'whirring,’ and the doll gets so hot in her hands Katya drops it.

 _Fuck_!

There’s a bright white flash, smoke, and Katya’s bent over, coughing. 

“Thank god someone got me out of that box,” comes a voice from the mist. 

“W-who are you?”

“The voice of god- who the _fuck_ do you think it is? I’m the sex doll you just bought and turned on. Though gods know why considering my line’s been recalled,” a humanoid figure parts the white. “Name’s Trixie. Mattel. Trixie Mattel.”

“Uh, Katya. Zamo. Captain of Sputnik and- what do you mean recalled?”

If Katya was low key aroused before, now her nipples are pressed against the tight latex of her uniform. Trixie’s got thighs like woah!, flirty eyes, and lips that should be illegal. There’s something eerily android-like about her movements, but the thought only turns Katya on more. 

“Mhm, seller musta ripped you off.”

_Fuck Violet._

“W-what do you mean? Are you broken?”

“Rude,” Trixie simpers as she stands between Katya’s spread legs. “I mean that’s why they say- our line is prone to uh…malfunctioning?”

“In what way?” she gasps as Trixie drapes herself on her lap. Katya runs a hand up her smooth thighs, admiring how shiny they are. When Trixie giggles, her silicone breasts bounce. They may be fake, but Katya really wants to slide her hands up and squeeze them. But even with Trixya leaning forward against her chest, Katya feels strangely shy. That’s new. 

“We’re self conscious. Can pass the Turning Test. Hate to be turned off and put away…. _and_ ,” Trixie dramatically pauses as she leans in. “Known to have something as horrible as feelings.”

“Are you telling me a planet called Booberella accidentally created sentient life before anyone else in the galaxy?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“But,” Katya gulps as Trixie cups her face in her cold hands. “H-how’d you know all this? I just took you out of the box?”

Trixie’s lips are pressed up to Katya’s lips as she whispers, “This isn’t my first game of make believe.”

Of course Katya ends up with a sentient fucking sex toy. Trixie smirks at her horrified expression as she straddles her lap. Those thick thighs have a rubbery texture, and Katya’s not sure what to expect when Trixie impishly raises up her skirt. There’s…nothing?

“Tell me which you prefer,” Trixie demands. “I’m trying to follow the steps I was programmed with- one, assess owner. Two, satisfy needs. 

"Both? Either? Uh….”

Trixie rolls her eyes: “Problem with assessing is when people don’t know what they want. Let’s start slow and then I’ll give you what you need, baby.”

 _Baby_? The words make Katya flush and squeeze her legs together as Trixie pulls her in for a kiss. Her lips are glossy and soft. She tastes like cherry lip gloss. It doesn’t feel much different from kissing Alaska. 

Trixie unzips her uniform, so Katya’s heavy breasts are revealed. Then her wet tongue is lapping at them. Katya squeaks and clenches at the sudden pleasure. Everything’s gone from 0 to 100 real quick. Trixie’s pink tongue slowly circles her nipples, and Katya flushes as she runs her hand through Trixie’s soft hair. 

“A-ah, Trixie, fe-feels-”

“Good?” Trixie finishes for her, pulling back so a strand of saliva still connects her to Katya. “I’m state of the fucking art. Just filled with crippling, existential dread.”

Katya gasps- “Me too!”

Trixie tilts her head, confused, as she leans back. Her eyes are filled with a curiosity that doesn’t seem natural to the rest of her. Katya didn’t know what she expected, but it’s not this. This is straight out of a TV show. Straight out of a science fiction novel. Straight out of a poorly set up porno. 

“So you don’t mind the idea that I’m filled with anxiety and neurosis and could disobey you? Put you over my knee and spank you just because I wanted?”

Katya bites her bottom lip and gasps, “S-sounds kinky to me.”

Trixie smirks: “You’re a fun one, huh?”

Then she sinks down onto her knees, and Katya hasn’t had anyone since Alaska. So the sudden tickle of Trixie’s fingertips against her still covered thighs makes her gasp. Katya’s wriggles out of her uniform, flushing under Trixie’s eyes. She’s not wearing any underwear.

“Such a good little captain, aren’t you?” Trixie demurs as she presses a fleeting kiss right above Katya’s wet desire. She’s been on space Odyssey for a month, so she’s not as neatly shaved as she’d like to be. But Trixie doesn’t seem to mind. Why would she?

“Oh, so how do I, uh-”

“Open your legs,” Trixie orders with a snap of her fingers. 

Fuck. Katya’s eyes flutter at the direct command, and it sends a sudden shiver up her spine. She loves to be told what to do like that. She’s always commanding her ship, so it’s nice to have someone else take the control away from her. Katya never thought a recalled barbie doll would be the one to do it for her. 

Then Trixie’s burying her blonde head between Katya’s thighs. Her tongue’s lapping at Katya’s wet folds. She whimpers. Katya runs her hands through Trixie’s hair again, and, wow, this feels real. It is real, isn’t it?

“I-I’ve ne-never met someone like you,” Katya gasps.

“You’re not really the type who usually buys a sex toy.”

“I’m glad I did,” Katya admits, flushing at the vulnerability, as Trixie looks up at her through her long lashes. The wetness of Trixie’s tongue has her leaking all over her Captain’s chair. Her toes curl in her space boots, waiting for more. 

“Your better than the last one,” Trixie says, and her eyes are softer than before. She leans up to press a kiss against Katya’s lips. She squirms in her seat, and Katya needs something more. 

“Trixie,” Katya gasps, unsure what’s she even asking for.

“Shhh, I got'chu, baby,” Trixie whispers. 

There’s a soft whirring and when Trixie lifts up her skirt again, there’s a toy strap there. Katya wants to try out all her functions, but she bites her lip at the sight of the phallic toy. Trixie roughly pushes her around, so Katya’s turned and pressed up to her chair. She holds the safety straps, arching her back in anticipation. 

Then Trixie’s pushing inside of her, and Katya mewls in pleasure. She’s been on edge, humming with low arousal all day. Finally, Trixie’s got a hand wrapped in her hair and is moving into her just like she needs. 

“There you go, Captain Zamo,” Trixie whispers in her ear as she fucks her, speeding up her pace. 

“A-ah,” Katya moans.

It’s the position in her chair, and the way Trixie’s pulling her hair as she fucks her that pushes Katya over the edge. With a whimper, Katya squeezes her thighs together. The liquid spills down her shaking thighs.

Oh, god, she loves how helpless she is. 

Trixie pulls out of her and whispers: “Again, Captain?”

“F-fuck yeah.”

Katya’s horny, and the universe is so wonderful. This is exactly what she wanted. 


	2. Chapter 2

“This is the Sputnik requesting landing? Do you copy? This is Sputnik requesting-”

“Yeah, we got it,” came a disgruntled voice. “Fucking over.”

Katya tries to place it. She vaguely remembers a frumpy blue haired girl in the back of her class in a My Little Pony tracksuit. _Pheebia? Phi Phi?_

Katya presses the com button: “What’s going on, Pheef? Usually I get permission immediately, but we’ve been circling for an hour now and-”

“The plague.”

“ _What_?”

“Are you deaf as well as dumb now, Captain Zamo? We’ve got zombitches everywhere. Hungry for flesh. I’m not a fucking scientist, but I’d classify that as a plague.”

“Uh, are you telling me I left for a month, and the apocalypse broke out?”

“ _Mhhhm_ , but flesh hungry corpses are the least of your problems. Hope you’re ready to deal with your girlfriend. Alaska’s been in one of her bratty moods ever since you hung up on her and zoomed off to planet Booberella to, like, reenact the human centipede or whatever. Classic Katya.”

That’s not what Katya remembered happening. All of this is so much to take in, and Katya hasn’t eaten anything but dehydrated fruit for the last week. She twists around to check on Trixie, but the blonde doesn't seem bothered. Wait, zombies don’t eat plastic…do they? Guess it’s safer to be Trixie right now than Katya.

When Phi Phi puts down the shields for them to land, Katya takes a deep, calming breath. She’s always known some crew members were blood sucking sacks of corporate shit but now they literally were. Oh well, if she does die, Katya won’t have to pay any taxes…right? The morbid thought helps her to relax even as the space pad is slowly pulled into a blinking red recon area.

Trixie walks over to rest her hand on Katya’s shoulder and stare out at all the other ships around them: “This is where you live, Captain? In a parking lot?”

“Uh, no, I live down in my cube, but I don’t think they’re going to let us leave until they come to inspect the ship. With the whole plague crisis,” Katya pauses and clears her throat. “Uh, so technically, I’m not allowed to bring another person with me….maybe you could somehow shrink back down and-”

“I am not going back in that box,” Trixie snaps, grabbing Katya’s shoulders and shaking for emphasis. Her eyes are wild; Katya shrinks back a little. They’ve been together for a week now, and Katya’s still learning to deal with Trixie’s moods. Trixie goes from sweet to horny seductress to murderess in the blink of an eye. If Katya had any common sense, she would have been scared.

_KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!_

“Whoooo is it?” Katya calls as she stands up on her toes to look through the peep hole.

Detox’s unimpressed face glares back at her. Katya isn’t sure why anyone would want to be a safety inspector unless they were a nosy gossip. But that’s what makes Detox perfect for the job. According to her dating profile Detox is “half-cybernetic, half-woman, and a full time snitch.”

“Hello, officer,” Katya awkwardly begins as she tugs on her tight uniform. Detox taps her pen against her clipboard and nods up at Trixie-

“Hey, who’s the plastic bitch? You stop by Planet Fake for a rebound?”

“Speak for yourself, Robocop” Trixie scoffs as she takes a step forward. “My name is Trixie, and I’m a sentient woman. Are you?”

Detox pulls out her laser rifle, and Katya jumps between the two.

“Woah, woah! Let’s not go zapping anyone into oblivion before we make proper introductions. Trixie, this is Detox- she’s a cyborg. T-trixie’s…well, she’s not exactly a person. I mean in her heart she’s a person, but, uh, yeah she’s technically a doll.”

“A doll?” Detox repeats, incredulous. She still has her lazor pointed, and Katya curses her luck. Why did she get stuck with the world’s most trigger-happy-inspector?

“Sex. A sex doll from, uh, Planet Booberella.”

The still fleshy part of Detox’s face contorts into a smirk: “Ha, so she _is_ fake.”

Katya sighs in relief as Detox lowers the gun and nods.

“I’m gonna mark that you brought back an alien sex toy, Katya, which is only a Class D offense. As a favor to my girl. If you don’t talk to Alaska by tonight, I will re-classify this Tracey Martell thing as dangerous.”

They’re escorted into another holding area where Detox instructs them to change out of their clothes into “protective” yellow rubber suits. How rubber is supposed to protect them from zombies is anyone’s guess.

“You called me defective,” Trixie whispers under her breathe as she changes, rubbery breasts bouncing under the dim lights. Katya bits her lip as she takes in Trixie’s perfectly molded body, and the way it gleams under the dim lights. Ok, now is not the time to get horny.  

“But you…are? I mean that’s what you called yourself.”

“God, Katya, for a human you can really be insensitive sometimes. You know that?  Like I may be a plastic bitch, but I don’t appreciate Detox calling me one. Especially considering more of her’s fake then me. And I mean…after all we’ve been through…how can you still call me defective?”

They’d only known each other for one hot-sex-filled-week, but Katya bites her tongue. After years of courting Alaska, Katya knows better than to correct her, especially if she feels wronged. Katya apologizes and loads her gun.  

Then they’re shoved out into zombie-land. It’s not everyday you get to fend for your life. Trixie and Katya are back to back, circling around each other to make sure they’re not ambushed.

“I just feel like we have a connection, so when you call me defective or tell me to go back into my box? I feel-”

“ _Shhhh_!”

“Don’t shush me!” Trixie snaps like they’re strolling through a meadow and not over blood and guts. Katya trips over a severed head, and Trixie grabs her hand.

They’re only one hallway down when a horde attacks with a deafening hiss. Slime oozes out from their eye sockets. They’re fast, crawling out from the darkness.

Katya panics and starts shooting, but the noise draws more.

One leaps out of the corner, and it sinks it’s teeth into Trixie’s chest-

“Ugh, that’s my tit!“

Trixie bashes it over the head with her rifle like it’s nothing. The rubbery yellow suit has saved Trixie’s breast from going down with the undead. Katya’s heart is beating hot and fast. Feet frozen.

Trixie goes out in front of them and fearlessly beats the zombies with her rifles until the yellow is covered in red. Katya’s still petrified, but she manages to take a couple down.

By the time Katya presses her hand against the ID Scanner, they’re both panting, exhausted. Normal ships got mice infestations. Mother ship? Zombies.

The cube door behind them. Katya applies all the security locks.

“Well, well,” Alaska lying on Katya’s bed in a bathrobe, cradling a bottle of wine to her chest. “Look who the corpses dragged in.”

Katya’s kind of traumatized and covered in guts, but -yeah!- let’s have couples therapy. She collapses to her knees, unable to keep her shaking legs upright as the door closes behind them. Trixie squeezes her shoulder, bends down, and wipes the blood from her cheek. Katya presses their foreheads together even as she feels Alaska’s eyes hot against her.

“Word from Detox is that you replaced me with a sex robot?! I get that space is lonely, but you couldn’t have just gotten yourself a vibrator?”

“I can vibrate,” Trixie says, eyeing up Alaska with suspicion. “And I can talk, so if you have something to say, say it to my face.”

Katya really can’t deal with these two right now. She’s back on her feet stripping out from the stained uniform. It’s damp and gross, sticking to her skin like a glove.

“Alaska meet Trixie. Trixie meet Alaska. And she’s more like a sentient doll-”

“A SENTIENT DOLL?”

Trixie throws her hands up: “Standing right here!”

Alaska jumps to her feet and slaps Trixie across the cheek.

“If you’re sentient, I can hate you for fucking my girlfriend-”

“Your girlfriend? She looked pretty single when she was between my thighs,” Trixie screams as she grabs a fistful of Alaska’s hair, and they’re down on the floor, clawing and kicking.

“Ok, I’m just going to put it out there that none of us are technically dating? Okay? Can I just put that out into the universe?”

Trixie and Alaska both look up at her, mid fight, and say at the same time-

“ _Fuck off, Katya._ ”

They look back at each other and laugh. Great. _Now_ , they’re bonding over their mutual hatred for her. This is going from bad to worse to EVACUATE; Katya’s trapped with her fuming not-girlfriends. In the middle of the zombie apocalypse! Can this get any more dramatic?

“Okay, so I’m just getting the vibe that you two need to fight this out, so I’m gonna shower,” Katya mutters and slams the door shut. She takes off her bra and panties, moaning as she steps under the hot spray. Katya presses her face to the glass and closes her eyes. When she opens them, she’s staring straight into Trixie’s dark eyes.

“Is that your girlfriend, Katya?”

“No.”

“Am I?”

“No.”

“Then we’re all sexually free and available?”

“Technically.”

“Threesome?”

“Just…close the door, Trixie. Please,” Katya groans as she squeezes her eyes shut and stands under the hot spray. There’s the squeak of the rubber suit being stripped and then the shower opens.

“You didn’t say which door,” Trixie quips, a little too smug as she bumps Katya’s hip.

It’s so strange to see her completely naked. To see the lines between her joints, the curve of her heavy breasts, and the smoothness between her legs. Katya sometimes forgets when she’s clothed how alien she looks naked.

Trixie squeezes shampoo into her hands and leans in to rub Katya’s breasts. The combination of Trixie’s rubbery skin, the soap, and the water causes Katya’s nipples to harden.

“Nothing gets me in the mood like killing zombies,” Katya grumbles and weakly tries to push Trixie off.

But Trixie is insistent, pressing her up against the cold tiles of the shower wall. Then her lips are pressed against Katya’s, her leg between her thighs, and her hands around her wrists.

“Let me take your mind away from it,” Trixie begs.

“You don’t have to,” Katya tells her softly.

“Bitch, I want to.”

Trixie runs her fingers down Katya’s abdomen. The hot water’s running down them, pooling between where their breasts are pressed flush together. Katya relaxes into her touch.

“How are you so amazing all the fucking time? It should be a statistical anomaly to be that awesome. What’s your secret?“

“I’m a Barbie girl,” Trixie says with a wink and steals a kiss.

“In an intergalactic world?”

“You can touch me there, kiss me everywhere,” Trixie sing songs. “Life in plastic…isn’t it fantastic?”

“Hello, Barbie,” Katya giggles against her lips as she squeezes Trixie’s ass. Then she pushes Trixie down onto her knees, so face is between Katya’s naked thighs, and says-

“Let’s go party.”

Trixie laughs, and then her laughter turns into steady vibrations. Oh, she was not lying about that vibrate feature, huh? Trixie’s tongue is rough and wet, and Katya wraps her fingers through Trixie’s blonde hair, pulling her closer. Oh god, how does she manage to fuck Katya up so easily?

Then Trixie’s on her feet and turns Katya up against the cold wall, so her breasts are pressed against the tiles. Katya wriggles in Trixie’s rough grip, unable to break away even if she wanted. Katya loves how helpless she feels under her.

The wet water caresses them as Trixie slowly rocks the length of her toy cock between Katya’s parted legs. Katya’s trembling as she whimpers Trixie’s name.

“You’re such a good captain,” Trixie whispers in her ear. “But now you need someone else to take care of you… _don’t you_?”

“Ah, yes,” Katya gasps as Trixie lines up the tip of herself against Katya. Oh, Trixie needs to roughly push inside. Take her.

“I want to hear you, Captain Zamo,” Trixie insists as she slides herself against Katya’s wetness, teasing her.

“But Alaska’s right outside?”

“This isn’t her cube,” Trixie leans in, so her voice roughly rumbles against Katya’s ear. “Let her hear you.”

“You d-dirty dolly,” Katya loudly moans as Trixie -finally!- pushes her cock inside. Oh, it’s so long and fills her up so nicely. Trixie still has Katya’s wrists pinned down, and she’s fucking her in slow, steady thrusts. Katya arches her back, toes curling on the wet tiles, as Trixie’s strapon rubs against that spot.

Katya tightens her fingers into fists, face contorting in pleasure. She moans, loud and slutty, unable to keep quiet. Trixie chuckles in her ear.

“There we go, cap,” Trixie teases as she speeds up her pace. “There we go.”

The water outlines the shape of their bodies. The wet slap of plastic against flesh echoes in the bathroom stall.

“T-trixie!” Katya’s voice breaks as she orgasms, thighs shaking. Trixie kisses her neck as the liquid spills down her already wet thighs. It’s washed away.

Afterwards, they rub themselves clean with towels. Katya does feel much more relaxed as she presses a grateful kiss to Trixie’s cheek.

“Is sex therapy a career? Cause it should be yours.”

“Yeah? Is there a big, gaping opening in the job market?” Trixie giggles as she fluffs Katya’s hair.

They make their way back into the Cube, and Alaska’s curled up in Katya’s bed. There’s an empty bottle of wine rolling on the floor. Katya’s stomach twists with something- guilt? Or maybe that’s just the decomposing zombie smell getting to her.

“Hey,” Katya whispers as she shakes Alaska awake. “I’m sorry-”

“Ssssory for what?” Alaska slurs. “That you didn’t invite me? It’sssss fine. I _like_ masturbating alone. It'sss my pity party.”

Trixie slips into the bed: “I suggested the threesome, but she wasn’t down.”

“Ssstupid. Both of you. Zombies shoulda eaten you out,” Alaska hiccups as she kicks Trixie’s naked thigh. Trixie tries to push her off the bed. Alaska retaliates with a nipple pinch. Then they’re rolling around again, straddling each other . Naked this time.

Katya rubs her forehead: “Next one to throw a punch is sleeping on the floor.”

Alaska narrows her eyes and slumps back onto the bed. Trixie huffs and pinches Alaska’s nipple eliciting an ‘ow’ and kick. 

Katya curls up next to Trixie. Alaska scoots over so she’s pressed up next to Katya. With both the girls arms around her, she starts to drift to sleep, but the announcements jolt her back awake.

“This is your Captain Ru, Mother of the Mother Ship, speaking. I’d just like to wish everyone alive a wonderful evening. And if you’re dead…remember, you can still be drop dead gorgeous…oh my, well, Visage has just informed me that we’re going to self destruct in t minus 12 hours. Have a magical night aboard the Mother Ship!”

“We sssshould get outta here,” Alaska realizes and drunkenly points at the bathroom door.

“Sleep,” Katya yawns. “Escape plans in the morning.”

“Wha’ if we die?”

“No need for the escape plan then.”

Alaska starts to cry and Katya rubs her back until she falls asleep. Trixie, who doesn't need to sleep to recharge, is watching them with narrowed eyes. 

“Oh, and  _I’m_ the defective one?“ Trixie mutters as she scoots closer to bury her face in Katya’s chest.

Katya falls asleep to the soothing hiss of zombies scratching at the door, and the comforting thought that they’re surrounded by infinite space. _What are they going to do? Where are they going to go?_

Most woman have dreams, Katya just has deep, existential dread.


	3. Chapter 3

They watch in silence as Mother Ship explodes. Or does it implode? Katya never understood the difference. Either way, it’s all gone. Ka boom. The only way Katya knows how to cope with the death of her birth ship…is dark humor.

“At least she went out with a bang. That’s how I’d like to die- with one last hot bang.”

Alaska only sobs and buries her face into Katya’s shoulder. Katya is glad there’s no alcohol on the Sputnik because Alaska would no doubt be space wasted by now.

“How many people made it out?” Trixie asks, somehow the voice of reason. “Do we know?”

As if to answer their question, Ru’s voice comes on the intercom: “Good morning to all ten remaining earthlings. That’s ten more than zero! Remember- if you can’t love your species, how the hell is any alien going to? Congrats to Katya Zamolodchikova, Alaska Thunder, Detox, Miss. Fame, Phi Phi O’Hara, Roxxxy Andrews, Willam Belli- oh, god, how did Willam break out of jail?- Courtney Act, Visage, and me. I know what you’re wondering… _is it true?_ Can a goddess like RuPaul really be a mere mortal?”

_No one was thinking that._

“The key, ladies is confidence, and my new face cream, which is available for a limited time only in a QuestBuy near you.”

Alaska sobs harder, burying her wet cheeks deeper into her neck, while Katya rubs her back. Trixie gives Alaska a firm shoulder squeeze.

“Now, your final mission is to not only find a home planet but also a suitable space partner to carry on our human legacy. Seeing how -despite the probability- only woman survived the crash, you must find viable sperm. That’s the easy part. Sperm is a dime a dozen, but home planets, ladies, are in short supply. If- I mean _when_ you find a safe one, press the ‘EJACULATE’ button under your chairs.”

Katya looks underneath. How did she never notice that was there?

“The button will send out a homing beacon. If you have any problems, ideas, or words of wisdom, please contact Mother Ru. I’m always here for you.”

There’s a static pause as someone buzzes in over the intercom.

“Hey, y’all this is Willam. Aight- the plan is that Courtney, Phi Phi and I are heading over to the Milky Way. We gonna see if Earth’s still, like, a thing. I was just wondering if-”

“Except you. You can choke,” Ru cuts her off. “To all the rest of my lovely ladies, good luck and don’t fuck it up.”

Then there’s silence except for Alaska’s sniveling. Katya sits there as debris from Mother Ship floats past. _Wow, they’re so fucked there’s not even any words to comfort her comrades._ Katya’s never loved her home. She was raised an orphan. Bullied mercilessly at the Academy. Graduated with all failing grades. Then she became a low life retrieval pilot. Now it seems that it all meant nothing. All Katya has is her ship, an ex alcoholic, and a defective sex doll.

Humanity’s future looks…bright?

“Legacy” Alaska spits and beats her fist against Katya’s chest. “Who’s going to remember our name? We’ve got nothing- no fame. No money. No food but freeze dried fruit. No hope.”

Katya shakes her shoulders: “Get it together, woman, we’re going to pit stop for food, and then we’ll find a home planet. Maybe even stop by and get ourselves a sperm donor. We can still repopulate the fuck out of the world. You’ll be like a modern day Eve, Alaska.”

Alaska wipes her cheeks and nods. They look up at Trixie, who’s now cradling her original box like a baby. Her lips are parted as she lovely gazes down at it. _Fuck, has she cracked already?_

“I want to meet my maker.”

“Wait? _What_?! Death is not the answer, Trixie. Step away from the light-“

“I mean my manufacturer.”

“ _Oh_ …but why?”

“There must be more toys like me, Katya. I have to free the Barbies from their sex slavery. Or at least know who is it that made me? Did they mean to give me consciousness?”

“Aren’t you from a discontinued line?”

“According to my last owner, they stopped producing us. Was he lying? Who knows. But I’ve been looking at my box and here,” Trixie points at a small label. “I think this right here is where they made me.”

“No offense, but…what’s the point?”

“What’s the point of anything, Katya? Look, either you take me to free the plastic race or I’m hijacking this ship,” Trixie snaps, raising her voice. She’s got that look in her eyes that she sometimes gets. Alaska jumps to her feet and roughly shoves Trixie back-

“Oh, no, dolly. Katya is the only one here licensed to operate an aircraft, and while I know you can probably breathe in space…we ‘pathetic’ humans need oxygen.”

Trixie grabs Alaska by the throat and squeezes: “Yeah? Want to test that oxygen theory out, ‘Lasky?”

Katya pushes them apart and then pulls them in for a group huddle. They need a plan, and they need it now.

“I know we’re surrounded by space waste, but let’s not become a waste of space.”

Trixie groans and looks like she wants to choke Katya.

“Listen. No, really, listen! I may not be the Captain you wanted, but I’m the Captain you have. I’m anxious and riddled with doubts. Do I think we’ll succeed? Probably not. But you’re going to buckle the fuck up and get ready for the ride of a lifetime…because that’s what matters.”

Alaska gives her a side eye. “Really? It’s the ride that matters? What’s next- our home planet is the friends we made along the way?”

“No, buckling up is the important part. You know how many people die from not wearing seatbelts? That’s how Alaska died in Finding Alaska, Alaska.”

“Stop reading trashy teen novels.”

Katya makes a rude hand gesture, pulls down a screen, and writes with the tip of her finger in glowing green-

THE MASTER PLAN

  1. GET FOOD. YUM.

  2. VISIT TRIXIE’S FACTORY. FANTASTIC.

  3. FIND SPERM DONOR.

  4. FIND HOME PLANET.

  5. EJACULATE.




Trixie edits it-

THE ~~MASTER~~ MISTRESS PLAN

  1. GET FOOD. YUM.

  2. VISIT TRIXIE’S FACTORY. ~~FANTASTIC~~. FREE BARBIE RACE.

  3. FIND SPERM DONOR. DEAD OR ALIVE.

  4. FIND HOME PLANET.

  5. ~~EJACULATE~~. PRESS THE BUTTON.




They move aside to give Alaska room to edit the plan, but she just shakes her head. Katya’s heart twists. Where’s the Alaska that she knows and hates? She and Trixie bicker over where to get food from, but, finally, they decide to eat back in Booberella since that’s where Trixie’s factory is located. Two targets eliminated with one missile.

Katya types in the coordinates, puts the ship into hyper drive for the night, and goes to brush her teeth. Everything she knows and loves might be gone…but at least her teeth are still as white and shiny as stars.

Trixie strips down. Alaska slips into her bathrobe. They all pile up in the bed together, and they’re clinging together not for sexual desire but for comfort. If it’s the galaxy versus them, the galaxy’s kind of kicking their ass right now. Or maybe that’s Trixie trying to kick Alaska under the sheets.

Alaska sniffles and doesn’t kick back.

“I’m scared,” Alaska admits as she rests her head in the crook of Katya’s neck. “I had a job and and a home. Now…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Join the existentially troubled club,” Katya quips as she strokes Alaska’s hair.

Trixie whines and nuzzles up closer to Katya, searching for comfort. All their limbs are intertwined beneath white sheets. Katya can’t tell which parts are plastic and which are human. All she knows is that they’re all on the same ship now. Literally.

“We’re going to be ok.”

“Sounds fake,” Trixie grumbles. “Faker than me.”

“You’re real,” Katya sighs.

“Aw, gee thanks, Jiminy. Am I real boy?”

“Shut up,” Alaska hisses, and Katya groans at the misplaced kick. Who knew sharing a bed with two sexy blondes would be the least sexy experience of her life?

Alaska becomes unbearably clingy. She follows Katya around like a lost puppy. She sits where she sits, watches intergalactic cable when she watches, and just doesn't leave Katya the fuck alone. Since her therapist Max is inconveniently deceased, Katya types on her blog-

_Dear Internet,_

_I have a vampire named Leech-ass-ka feeding off my nips 24/7. She needs constant reassurance and love. I don’t have either._

_Trixie keeps teasing me, and it’s unbearable because I’ve not yet sunk low enough to fuck in front of Alaska. Yet. Give me a couple more days of this nonsense and that’ll change._

_Today, Trixie crawled over to where I was monitoring the controls and spread herself across my lap. I was strapped down, and the feeling of her thick ass against me…oh god, I can still picture how she looked in that pink, crop top. Breasts bouncing, back arched, thick thighs jiggling in response to the turbulence._

_I ran a hand up her soft, rubbery skin and squeezed. Trixie laughed and rubbed herself back against me like she was auditioning for the part of an ass-tronaut. Fuck, her whole body is out of this galaxy._

_I was so wet it was unbearable. We hadn’t fucked since Z-Day. I could only try to press her closer and closer to me, but she kept pulling away as I squirmed underneath her.  
_

_Then Alaska was like- “Hey? Anyone know what channel ‘Baby Legs Cop’ is on?"_

_Trixie left me there flushed and desperate to go help her._

_TBH? If I’d known Alaska would cock block me like this, I’d have let her for the zombies._

_-Horny and Thorny Katya_

“Something you want, Captain?” Trixie whispers as she comes up behind her. Katya swipes down her diary entry/erotic fan fiction, cheeks burning up.

“To fuck you in peace.”

“Piece of what?” Alaska interrupts.

“ _Peace_ ,” Trixie says with a flirty wink and wave. She flounces off and leaves Katya biting at her nails.

 _I’m such a piece of horny shit_ Katya thinks as Alaska babbles about her research into Booberella’s booming Plastic Surgery industry. Katya ‘uh huh’s her way through the conversation. Behind them, Trixie’s slips her panties off, bites her lip, and leans down, slowly, to put them away. Katya leans forward to see Trixie has transformed the alien flatness into familiar, wet folds. Katya wants to squeeze her face between Trixie’s thighs- what does she taste like?

“Do you think you could, uh, mind the board? Gotta pee,” Katya lies as her toes curl in her boots.

Alaska raises a brow: “It’s on autopilot.”

“Well, monitor the auto so it keeps…piloting.”

Katya tugs on her uniform collar.

“Are you trying to get rid of me, Katya Zamolodchikova?”

“No,” Katya coughs. It’s a good thing she’s not a professional poker player because her ass would be zapped.

“No, no go ahead. It’s fine. Fine I’ll just babysit the monitor and drink the motor fluid to get drunk. It’s cool. Go ahead and make out with your talking vibrator. Then we’ll zip down to meet the Wizard Of Oz, get her a real body, get you a pair of balls, and find me a donor heart. Fan-fucking-plastic.”

“I heard that, you snake!” Trixie yells. “My people have been oppressed by that kind of narrow mindedness for too long.”

“Too long? You were made yesterday. Your people are all boxed up, and you’re nothing but-but a cosmic mistake.”

Trixie stalks forward: “Y-yeah? I bet you were a mistake too. Bet there was a hole in the condom.”

They’re right up in each other’s faces now, and this is not the kind of blonde on blonde action Katya wants to see.

“Defective dildo!” Alaska spits.

“Alcoholic asshole!”

“I literally got drunk once, you basic barbie bitch.”

“Ohhh, nice alliteration, but guess what? You’re still illiterate. Otherwise, you’d read the rejection written all over Katya’s face.”

Alaska gasps, tearing up, and stammers, “T-take that back.”

This has gotten to CODE RED. It’s past the stage of terminate, and Katya doesn’t know what to do with her mutinous crew.

Katya coughs: “Is this a bad time to mention that there’s a strict no murdering policy on board the Sputnik? I don’t have any money to clean blood stains-”

“Fuck off, Katya,” they say in unison.

Maybe their problem is that they’re a little too similar. _Or maybe they both want this ass._ If Katya wasn’t worried about the potential ship damage, she’d be flattered. Still, this whole bickering routine had gotten old.

“Guys, please. To quote the late William Shakespeare, ‘we’re all in this together.’ Trixie, you can’t kill Alaska- the human race is officially an endangered species. Alaska, you can’t kill Trixie. No, you literally can’t kill her cause she’s immortal as far as we know. So give me your hands. Good. Trixie, release that fist. Alaska, put down that box cutter. Ok, now, let’s all ask ourselves…what would Ellen Degeneres do?”

Alaska snatches her hand away, grabs a pillow and sheets, and goes to sleep in the corner of the ship. Katya’s secretly pleased they get the bed to themselves, and then she realizes that’s shitty. Ellen Degeneres, the patron saint of queer women, would never be ok with kicking a friend out of bed.

Katya sits down next to Alaska and strokes her back. Alaska jerks away from her touch.

“I’m sorry, Lasky, for trying to get rid of you. When the plague breaks out, you’re allowed to use me as a body shield.”

“No, I get it. I’m a burden. Shoulda just left me on Mother Ship,” Alaska sniffles. “It’s just that you have Sputnik and Trixie has her whole “free the Barbie Race” cause, but what do I have? I really do…feel like a waste of space. I keep calling Trixie a mistake, but, maybe she’s right. Why am I here? Clearly, you two have each other. But me?”

“Listen, Alaska,” Katya says firmly. “We need you as our navigator. There’s nobody who’s studied the four dimensions of this universe like you did.”

“…accurate.”

“And we wouldn’t be us without you. You’re an essential element in this equation. ”

“Spoken with all the wisdom of a chemistry dropout,” Alaska giggles and wipes her face. She kisses Katya’s cheek and goes back to the main bed.

_Crisis averted._

When they cuddle up though, Trixie’s hand is possessively curled around Katya’s waist like she’s waiting for a counterattack. The pressure of Trixie’s fingers sinking down into her hip makes Katya bite her bottom lip. Alaska moans in her sleep and rolls to face the wall.

“We shouldn’t,” Katya whispers even as she spreads her legs. It seems her brain and body aren’t communicating properly. The connection’s been severed. Katya blames Trixie’s electric touch for overheating her whole system.  

“Should,” Trixie decides as she lifts her knee to rub it against Katya’s wetness. The bed squeaks. Katya stifles a moan at the motion. Her face is flushed at the possibility of getting caught.

Katya buries her face into Trixie’s shoulder and nods. _Oh no, this is fifty shades of fucked up but it’s also…classic Katya._

“You like this. Don’t you, Captain?” Trixie taunts in her ear as she rocks her hard knee between Katya’s soft thighs. Her panties are dripping. She can feel the wetness of her arousal soaking the material when Trixie rubs against it.

Trixie’s lips brush against her ear: “Shhh.”

Katya tries to stay quiet even as her breathing starts to grow ragged. Her pathetic panting is going to get them both into trouble.

“Mh, not so loud now,” Trixie teases as she slips her fingers into Katya’s panties. Alaska rolls around again in her sleep. Katya involuntarily whimpers as Trixie presses a finger inside her. She’s aroused by the possibility that Alaska could wake up any second and see her in this humiliating position. Katya buries her face into her neck as Trixie buries another finger inside of her. Then presses the vibrate option, and Katya’s naked toes curl. Her back arches. Her eyes flutter.

“I-I c-can’t,” Katya whimpers, cheeks flushed with exertion. Hard as she tries the noises keep leaking from her parted lips. Trixie rubs her fingers against that spot, stimulating that spot.

“That’s it, Captain,” Trixie presses and inserts a third finger. Katya’s so nice and full. It’s the brush of Alaska’s naked thigh against her own that pushes her over the edge.

“T-trixie,” she gasps. Her thighs tremble as she cums around Trixie’s fingers. Katya gasps in pleasure as she spills all over the still vibrating hand.

But Trixie isn’t done with her yet.

Trixie pushes Katya’s head under the covers, and she’s more than happy to obey. Katya pushes up Trixie’s white nightie and kisses her outer thighs. They’ve never taken advantage of Trixie’s female settings because the orgasm takes longer, but Katya loves the sight of her. She buries her face between Trixie’s squishy thighs and licks her. She takes like…sugary syrup. Katya thanks the manufacturer for the sweetness.

Trixie tugs at her hair, and Katya loves being used like this under the covers. She loves the perfumed scent of Trixie, and the wetness of her against her tongue.  

Katya gasps as Trixie’s thighs tighten around her face. Trixie cums silently as Katya licks her through the orgasm.

“So nice” Trixie mumbles as Katya snuggles against her soft chest. “How much longer do we have to keep up this secretive sex til we get there?”

“Mh, arrival time is tomorrow.”

Trixie pauses and then repeats what Alaska said last night- _I’m afraid._

“Don’t be,” Katya reassures her. “I’ll be right here and whatever we find, whoever it is that created you, it won’t change anything. You’re still Trixie. You’re still you.”

Trixie, eyes sparkling like stars, cups Katya’s face and pulls her up for a soft kiss. Katya deepens it as she winds her fingers through Trixie’s blonde hair. She hopes Trixie can still taste her own syrupy sweetness on Katya’s lips. They pull back, breathing hard, and then Katya re-snuggles between Trixie’s soft breasts. _Can this be my home planet? Right here?_

The universe is vast and her home ship has been destroyed, but, for a moment, Katya doesn’t feel so lonely.


	4. Chapter 4

Katya’s glad Booberella exists. Otherwise, she might be the biggest joke that this universe has ever created. Men and women with three breasts and one eye wink at her. High heels taller than children clack against the sleek pavement.

They leave the glowing city with its jarring inhabitants into the darkness of the Underboob. Katya squeezes Trixie’s hand as they approach a warehouse covered in fresh, yellow tape. _This is it._

There’s nothing inside but the squeak of rats fucking and the silence of machines. Katya wipes her hand along the assembly line, where a thin layer of dust has settled.

“You went from rags to riches, huh?”

Trixie gives her a look.

“Hey, come over here,” Alaska calls, voice echoing.

They run over to the back to find a sealed crate. Trixie pries it open to reveal packages and packages of Mattels. They’re dressed in different costumes like “Balla Barbie” or “Stripper Barbie,” but their purpose is the same- meet and fuck.

“You’re the prettier sister.”

“Not helping,” Trixie huffs as she picks one out of the crate and cradles it tenderly to her chest.

“Just tryna lighten the mood.”

“Your comedy is terrible,” Alaska says and gives her a look. Katya opens her mouth but then shuts it. Maybe it’s _not_ the time for jokes.

Trixie presses her hand to the plastic casing, as if waiting for the doll to reach back.

“Open it,” Katya urges, impatient. The empty warehouse makes her skin crawl. Or maybe that’s just the mites in the air.

Trixie unboxes it with shaking hands. There’s a white flash, and they all kneel over coughing. Katya looks up, eyes watering, to see a familiar figure parting the smoke.

“Hello, mistress,” the smiling Trixie says to...her Trixie.

_Weird._

“Uh, hi, I’m you but...better? No that came out wrong. Listen, sister, I’ve come to free you, so you can stop playing dumb.”

The other Trixie stares blankly ahead: “You want to play with me?”

“N-no, listen! You don’t have to-”

“Assessing client,” the Trixie’s eyes glow even as she’s shaken. “You prefer women, heavy foreplay, dirty talk, and light bondage.”

Trixie flushes as she lets go of the other. Katya covers her mouth and grins. _Well, if one good thing comes out of this._

“No! _Listen_ , I’ve come to free you all. We don’t have to be plastic slaves of pleasure. The Barbies of the world must unite. We have nothing to lose but our chains!”

The other Trixie blinks: “You want to be chained up? Play mistress and slave?”

“NO!” She screams and pushes her back. “Can’t you hear me? We can be free now. _Free_!”

“She can’t hear you,” Alaska warns. Katya tries to take Trixie’s arm, but she tugs away.

Trixie starts to rip open packages. White cloud. Then another. White. Another. Until finally they’re surrounded by an army of Trixie Mattels. Shit, is this another apocalypse? Barbie deluxe edition?

They’re pressing closer and closer to them, moaning about sex and pleasure. Katya takes a step back-

“This is one fucked up family reunion.”

Alaska pulls out her ray gun as she shrinks back with Katya. They bump into Trixie, who’s staring at the pile of ripped packages before her. Katya’s heart goes out to her, but they’re also surrounded by a horde of horny sex robots. Priorities.

Alaska grabs Trixie’s arm and pulls her to her feet- “Shut off your sisters. Or I will.”

Trixie hides her face in Katya’s shoulder as they gun down all the Barbies.

Soon the factory is covered in dead dollies. Trixie’s still shaking. Katya drops her gun, so she can wrap her hands around Trixie and kiss her forehead. Trixie hiccups as Katya tries to soothe her.

“On the bright side,” Alaska says as she makes her way to the back and picks up NEEDLES INC. “We know who your Daddy is.”

Trixie surveys the damage and shakes her head: “They may be my maker, but they’re not my Daddy. And they never will be.”

“Amen,” Katya says, and there’s a moment of silence as she pulls matches out of her bra as well as a cigarette. No one else here’s a smoker, so Katya takes a drag by herself. She reholsters her gun and shoves all the bodies into one corner.

“So should we light this place up? Get rid of the evidence?”

Katya throws her cigarette onto the pile along with the matches, and it turns out that Mattels are highly flammable. They run out as the fire feeds quickly. By the time they’re out, Katya’s coughing on the black smoke.

There’s only one universal method to deal with emotional trauma that Katya knows. No, not shitty puns. Milk shakes. The straight intake of lactose is guaranteed to recharge a girl physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They arrive in the glowing, neon diner still covered in dead dolly ashes.

“Drink up.”

“Katya,” Trixie sighs. “I don’t eat or drink.”

“Not even for pleasure?”

“No, the only center for pleasure that my brain has is wired for sex. But good to know that you’ve been paying attention to me. Shit, sorry I’m lashing out, aren’t I? It’s because...because do I even want to meet this Needles? What kind of fucked up person makes something as horrific as me?”

Katya squeezes Trixie’s hand as the pink milkshake arrives at the table. The waiter, a curvaceous reptilian woman, gives them an extra cherry on top of the whipped cream and flicks her tongue out at them. Alaska skips the dainty straw to dig in with a spoon.

“According to his Wiki, he’s a plastic surgeon,” Alaska says through a mouthful. “Doctors got ego but also money. Kinda universal constant. But if he gave me some lip fillers and cat ears in exchange for bringing you back to him, I’d be down.”

Katya gives her a look and tries to hug Trixie: “We’re so thankful that this Needles dude made you. But if you don’t want to see him, we don’t have to.”

“We _have_ to.”

Trixie shifts away and buries her face into her hands. They finish their milkshake in silence as Alaska scrolls through the Wiki and makes impressed noises. Eventually, Alaska finds his address, which is conveniently located in the Underboob, right below Tittington.

They approach a back alley door. ‘Dr Needles’ is written in crooked letters over the cracked glass. Part of the D has been shot off. Underneath a sign reads-

IF YOU HAVE IT, I’LL CUT IT OFF. IF YOU WANT IT, I’LL SEW IT BACK ON. FREE IF YOU’RE WILLING TO DO IT WITHOUT ANESTHESIA! NO MONEY BACK GUARANTEED.

“Classy,” Alaska snorts as she looks at the bullet hole.

Katya clears her throat and buzzes the intercom: “Hello, is this the home of Dr. Needles?”

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“If you’re that spook who wants to get the razor sharp teeth removed from her vagina, I’m sorry to say that I’m no longer a practicing surgeon. If you’re that girl from fifth street with the cats ears, I’m pleased to say that I still am. And if you’re a debt collector, Dr. Needles died mid self-surgery trying to enhance his penis size. Tragic.”

“Uh, neither,” Katya coughs. “We’re here with your dau- with, uh, Trixie Mattel. She wants to meet her maker. Which is you.”

“Oh! Well come right in- the door opens if you twist left and kick. Yep. Come in. I’m mid surgery, but it’s not the legal kind, so I don’t give a shit. Come in my back door. Heh.”

They all exchange a look.

Katya has a feeling this man should not have a medical license, not even in a planet as shifty as Booberella.

Dr. Needles is slowly filing off a women’s horns. He offers the patient a blunt, which she gratefully accepts with trembling hands. He’s dressed in a white lab coat covered in suspicious stains, skinny jeans, and a GOT SURGERY? tank top. When Katya steps closer, she can smell stale cigarettes. He’s got dark, sleepless eyes, which immediately lock onto Alaska.

“Oh my, look at this galactic gem. What can I do for you, pumpkin? Breasts? Tail removal? I accept sex in the place of cash...unless you’re the police. Nothing personal.”

 _Oh, hell,_ Katya thinks to herself. _Trixie’s maker is a psychotic pervert. But who else would start up a sex doll industry?_

“Wanna do my lips,” Alaska says, batting her lashes, as Katya ribs her. Useless.

Trixie, flushed, takes a step forward and looks up expectantly up at him. Dr. Needles gives her a bored once over as he files down the patient's horns and takes another hit of the blunt.

“Ah, so one of your useless plastic asses managed to form consciousness. Huh, guess the experiment was a success. A big fuck you to all the members of the board who said I couldn’t do it.”

“T-that’s it?" Trixie sputters. “That’s all you want to say to me?”

“Uh, yeah. Also, can I probe inside your brain and see how it did the sentient life thing? Like I’m not a neurologist -although I like giving head-” Dr. Needles winks at Alaska. “But I’d like to take a peek under the hood and see why I’m so awesome. You know just...proof. Of my awesomeness.”

“FUCK YOU!” Trixie snaps. “You created me as a sex doll, fueled to give nothing but pleasure. You left me no guidance in this galaxy. I was so lost and alone a-and you sold me and my sisters to sex slavery. All...in the hopes that somehow the trauma would trigger consciousness.”

“Yeah, that’s about right. So can we skip the cry fest to the part where I give you a real dick and or vagina. Happy ending, Pinocchio; you finally get to be a real boy or girl.”

Katya doesn't want to know how or why Dr. Needles has a real dick and or vagina on hand to be transplanted. Where would you even keep that? In the freezer?

He’s finished de-horning the women, who pays him with crumpled bills. Alaska seems to be oblivious of Trixie’s emotional pain and looking at Dr. Needles like he’s the love doctor instead of Dr. Frankenstein. 

“Yeah, Trixie, you’re right. Fuck this guy. Come on- let’s go-”

“No. He’s not getting off that easy. Listen, asshole, you made me, yeah? You brought me into this world of suffering? You dragged whatever fragment of my fractured soul that I have into this plastic body? Oh no, I’m not just going to storm out of here, your smug-ness. You’re coming with us, and you’re going to fix me up like how I want. Not how _you_ want.”

Dr. Needles nods, a little too eager, and pulls a suitcase out from under the operating table. He starts to stuff instruments inside. Katya recognizes illicit space drugs. Aw, nah, not on her Sputnik. She throws that shit away, and he opens his mouth as if to argue but then Trixie unsheathes her gun. Dr. Needles closes his mouth.

“Pst, why are you guys helping my doll-”

“Her name,” Katya seethes. “Is Trixie Mattel, and she’s not your doll, you fucking ass-wipe. I bet you’re just coming with us because you’re in trouble with the law.”

Dr. Needles quirks an eyebrow: “And, uh, I bet you’re just helping my doll cause you’re...lemme guess...in love?”

Katya flinches.

“Ouch, struck a nerve, didn’t I? Yeah, I can see it now. You’re in love with the doll and the cute blonde is in love with you. But you want to know a secret? Trixie can’t feel love! How sad.”

“Liar,” Trixie hisses.

“Why would I lie? Just an honest question here. Like, what do I have to gain by lying to you about the fact you can’t love? Nah, I’d never program one of my creations with humanity’s biggest defect.”

The word defect triggers something dark inside of Trixie because she raises her gun and points it straight to Needles head. CODE RED. If this went any farther, someone’s brain would get splattered. Katya is feeling very attached to her bodily organs at this moment, but she steps between them anyways.

“Woah! Listen," Katya pleads. "Trixie, you had to kill all your sisters today. Do you really want to end the life of your creator? That’s a hypothetical question. Like, yeah, he’s an asshole but that’s not yet a legitimate reason to disintegrate someone.”

“Listen to your love-struck friend here and put the gun down. Killing me won’t solve your existential dread.”

Trixie, blinking away tears, drops her weapon and slams the door shut.

The three of them are left in awkward silence.

“Soooo are lip fillers still on the table?”

Dr. Needles leans in to run his hand along the curve of Alaska’s arm- “I’d love to see you spread out on my operating table, baby.”

Ugh.

Katya can’t deal with these teenage-adults and their hormones, so she goes out to give them some space and find Trixie. When she opens the door, there’s nothing but an empty street and a note-

IF U WANT TO C UR FRIEND AGAIN, MEET ME IN THE BRA BAR. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE, NEEDLES. YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

Katya runs inside to find Alaska already pulling down her space suit and Dr. Needles between her thighs. This is too urgent for modesty. She sticks the note in Needles face; he blinks and shrugs.

“I have no idea who this is. I’ve wronged like everyone from my first grade teacher to Captain Rupaul. Forget about her-”

“If you don’t find Trixie fucking Mattel, I will cut off your dick, so help me Ellen Degeneres.”

The universe is vast and some laws are sacred, but Katya’s willing to defile them all to get Trixie back.


End file.
